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The Sky is Falling: How Week 6 of Fantasy Football Made Me Invest in Bleach

week 6 calls for bleach

My father gave me two pieces of advice: 1) always get in a land war in Asia (we’re Asian), and 2) start your studs. Well much like everything else he handed down to me (ie. high blood pressure, crippling debt), his advice sucked. Let’s focus on the latter and see just how my “studs” let me down harder than they did in the 2nd act of Magic Mike, in week 6 of fantasy football.

Mike Evans, WR2Catches

mike evans, week 6
source: USA Today

In a week where I needed just a few more points to eek out the W against one of the weaker opponents in a league, Mike Evans decided to pull a week 1 and get two receptions for less than 4 total fantasy points. That’s weak-ass kicker numbers! Unless your kicker is Nick Folk, who put up 3 points… who I also played. Look, Younghoe had a bye.

We all know the Tampa Bay skill players will be boom or bust because of just how many of them there are. However, the matchup against the Eagles looked pretty juicy to me. Darius Slay is a talented CB, and I figured after the boom Antonio Brown had in week 5, he would be the target for Slay to shut down. After all, Brown is the more explosive playmaker between him and Evans. And I was right! Brown did look explosive. Unfortunately I was wrong in that Slay covered Evans the entire game and made him a non-factor. Coin flip and Evans came up bust in the week I needed him most.

Evan’s outlook looks limited. Leonard Fournette is either heating up or fully heated, and he’s eating into the touchdown shares. Gronk is probably back next week, and even if not, O.J. Howard is getting his shares. The Brady-to-AB connection is looking better. And while the Bears next week were exposed by Green Bay, they still have a good defense overall. Barring an injury to one of the Tampa Bay players, Evans looks to have a low ceiling going into the bye in week 9, with more busts than booms.

Amari Cooper, WRLamb’sBitch

amari cooper, week 6
source: dallascowboys.com

You might say Amari Cooper hasn’t been a stud since week 1. Well then who is WR1 on the Cowboys? CeeDee Lamb?? Ok, yes, for the last couple weeks. Is it hamstring issues? Is it a casualty of the elevated run game? Is it because he draws the more talented CBs in each contest? No the real answer is that there is only room for one great receiver named Cooper, and Kupp stole all his mojo.

The studness of Amari has been hotly debated amongst my peers (Jack, Jim, Johnny, and the Captain), whether it will return any time soon. Now with Dak’s most recent calf strain (bad enough to necessitate wearing a boot), it doesn’t look great for Amari even with the bye to rest up. Remember, Cooper only put up halfway decent numbers in weeks 4 & 5 because of touchdowns. He’s had exactly 3 receptions in weeks 2-5, which only increased to 5 in New England.

For someone who went higher than Robert Woods, Julio Jones, D.J. Moore, and yes Cooper Kupp(!) in the draft, safe to say Amari’s been a big disappointment. At this point, he’s going to be tough to trade away in my league. But I’m already playing for draft picks anyway. Wonder if I can get a 3rd and O.J. Howard for him…

Zack Moss, RBdud

zack moss, week 6
source: muscle & fitness

I held Zack Moss all season last year and he was a continual disappointment. I need to learn that passing the eye test once, when I’m wearing beer goggles, isn’t enough of a reason to keep someone rostered. He had a low floor and lower ceiling, but then you’d lament seeming him on your bench week 8 vs New England last year with 2 TDs and 81 yards, and he’d suck you back in, and then you play him, and he never booms again. I vowed that I wouldn’t touch him this season.

Anyway, I got desperate and picked him up after week 4, because I’m a spineless loser who was lulled into complacency after 3 solid games out of him, making him stud enough in my weepy eyes. I mean Reddit said he’s a must start. And to be fair, he’s come in clutch for the Bills as Devin Singletary has underperformed over this stretch. I was too scared to play him week 5, and when he put up a respectable 10+ points from my bench, I of course decided to play him in week 6. He must have sensed it because that’s when he decided to revert to being a scrub.

At this point, I feel like Moss has a personal vendetta against me. He is Schrodinger’s RB who can only get double digits if he is not on my active roster. I’d have better luck if I could somehow get a script that would randomly start him or not, and also keep me blissfully unaware until after he has played (or not). Someone should code that. Call it Quantum Sleep(er).

Start Moss if I don’t. Don’t if I do. It’s not great advice, but it’s the truest advice I have. Chaos reigns.

Squid Game, B-

squid game
source: netflix

I started Squid Game in week 6 because everyone hyped it up. Reddit said it was a must start. It’s ok, but the top show on Netflix? Three episodes in and it’s just a milder version of what being Asian in a red state is like. I’ve had worse at Costco. Yawn.

See you next loss.

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