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The Sky is Falling: How Week 3 of Fantasy Football Assured Me There Is No God

no god in week 3

An ongoing series of my worst season of fantasy football… so far.

I used to be a religious man. I’d religiously check my fantasy scores from the last pew on the left, praying that this Sunday’s sermon will not include a personal pastoral anecdote which typically adds 7.4 minutes and makes me miss the first quarter of the afternoon games. So yeah, pretty darn faithful by American standards. And so before this week, I pleaded with the Lord to let me vanquish my enemies, especially the one that wouldn’t trade me Justin Herbert. I prayed really hard.

But if weeks 1 and 2 put me into the basement of all of my leagues, week 3 buried me under it. And if evolution and the existence of ticks wasn’t evidence enough, I know for a fact now: there is no god. Or, at least not one who cares about my faith in the 49ers. Let’s get into it.

Kyle Shanahan, HC4

sky is falling kyle shanahan

I don’t enjoy that Kyle has my phone tapped and knows exactly which Niner I put into my lineup and which are on my bench. I needed just 5 more points from Deebo Samuel to win one of my matchups. Not much to ask for from the clear WR1. And yet, there goes Brandon Aiyuk and Kyle Juszczyk getting those extra five points from my bench. I can’t trust any one player on the 49ers anymore because the entire squad is a giant Lazy Susan per Shanahan’s “intelligent design”.

No one on this team has a safe floor. It’s entirely boom or bust, no matter what the matchups look like. And sure, the Packers have a strong secondary this season so you might say it’s not surprising that they took Deebo out of the equation, but 1) they have not looked great for the first 6 quarters of the season, and 2) what was I supposed to do, guess and play Aiyuk instead? If I had, I guarantee my Schrodinger’s Catshit WRs would have seen their scores quantum flip to still give me the L.

So don’t trust Shanahan to do anything stable, and do play the Packers DST (who begrudgingly look really decent now) against a weak Steelers team in week 4.

Rondale Moore, Decoy1

sky is falling rondale moore
source: the athletic

Hey, are you an up-and-coming star averaging 16+ yards per reception on a red-hot team with maybe the most dynamic QB in the league? Oh, and the star WR on your team is injured so you’ll get more balls thrown your way? Oh and you’re playing effin’ Jacksonville?? Well shit, take what’s left of my FAAB!

0.5 yards per catch.

Apparently, either joining my lineup basically is the death knell for a player’s productivity or there is a FAAB Ponzi scheme happening somehow that I don’t understand because I failed economics. Moore cost me more than just my FAAB, he also lost me a league with a sad 1 point performance. All the points instead went to A.J. Green and Christian Kirk, who both went for 100+ yards just to rub it in my dumb face. And it’s not like I’m going to play Moore next week against the Rams, or probably the next week against the Niners, so this pickup to bolster Week 3 probably won’t see action again until Week 6 against the Browns. So I’ll have to slot in… *checks notes* Robby Anderson?! Oh my no-god. I wonder if I can flex a kicker.

Speaking of which…

Younghoe Koo, K-Y Jelly

sky is falling younghoe koo
source: sportstalkatl

Koo singlefootedly won me three games last season and silenced all the mocking I got when I reached for him in the 13th round. I got him again this season in almost all of my leagues and in a month of crazy productive kickers, Koo’s been a giant letdown. Through 3 games, he’s gotten 16 points. Justin Tucker got more that in one game. And if you’re saying Tucker is obviously better than Koo, you are a racist. I think.

Koo seemed like a good idea. The Falcons always had a decent offense that could reliably get into the Red Zone, but would settle for kicks. This season, they’re either barely getting TDs or barely getting past the 50 yard line; and nothing in between. It’s inexplicable other than they’re a lot worse than we expected them to be (why are they running wildcat on 3rd & 1? Why aren’t they using their TEs?). And my dear sweet Koo is hurting from it.

In most of my leagues, Calvin Ridley is basically the only Falcons player on any active roster (maybe a Mike Davis due to injured RBs), and even he looks more like a shaky flex due to their atrocious offense. And I suspected it in week 2, but now it’s pretty clear: Koo is entirely droppable, like the rest of them. Not like I need him as a good luck charm anyway in this wasted season. Streaming kickers makes me feel more alive anyway.

Tampa DST1point

sky is falling tampa bay dst
source: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I needed 4 points from Tampa’s DST to win me a matchup. Just 4! They got 1, of course. This is about when I tried to swallow my own tongue but my stupid MedicAlert bracelet went off. The paramedic did look at my Sleeper app and stopped heart compressions immediately, but it was too late. I lived.

Can’t trust WFT DST, can’t trust TB DST, can’t trust NE DST, even Carolina was pretty meh this week. I guess the play here is to chase whoever is playing the Giants or the Jets… which is a strategy you could have used for the last four seasons or so. But so many good defenses in 2020 just haven’t been good this year at all. Even the Rams with arguably the best overall defense right now aren’t putting up great numbers.

I guess just try to grab the Saints since they’re putting up boom or bust numbers on alternate weeks like the quality of Star Trek movies. They will either dominate your week, or completely lose it. Hey, it’s like you’re playing on the Saints!

James White, RBouch

sky is falling james white

I was mad I spent FAAB on him for him to get me 0.60 points. Then I saw that the guy subluxated his hip. I don’t know what that means, but just trying to pronounce that put me on IR. Just really bad luck to a good, productive guy who was having a strong early season. Not a bad IR stash if you have a spot available. I’d expect to see JJ Taylor do some work for the Pats in the meantime, handing anything Damien Harris can’t, which will be quite a bit since Harris looks shaky back there.

James, you lost me a matchup… but heal up soon.

So a combination of one or all of these flops earned me my perfect 0 wins this week across all my leagues. And, I’m basically out of FAAB too so tune in next week when I’m drinking way more, praying way less, and selling the farm for draft picks. If you still believe in a god, good on you and please trade me your Justin Herbert you selfish Episcopalian.

See you next loss.

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