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The Sky is Falling: How Week 2 of Fantasy Football Gave My Soul a High Ankle Sprain

week 2 fantasy football depression

An ongoing series of my worst season of fantasy football… so far.

If week 1 made me walk into the ocean, week 2 had me chugging that briny whale semen so I can put my season out of its misery. But alas, much like the 49ers seemingly endless stream of RBs and RB injuries, I too have seemingly endless pain to endure. Super happy they added an extra week of football this year. More bleach please.

Let’s take a look at the “professional football players” that let me down harder than my father on every birthday this week.

Dak Prescott & Amari Cooper: QB4 + WR5 = 9 Points

dak and amari combined for 9 fantasy points
source: dallas morning news

You know what stack works? The Wendy’s Double Stack. It works every goddamn time. Try it and you tell me. You know what stack doesn’t work? Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper, who apparently decided to take the day off and let Tony Pollard do all the heavy lifting on Sunday. Unlike the Double Stack, this pair left me hungry, unsatisfied, and yet still needing to defecate right after it was over.

Dak didn’t seem to be looking Cooper’s way most of the game, and Cooper didn’t look great out there long before the apparent rib injury he sustained on the final drive. Is CeeDee Lamb the ace at this point? Unequivocally yes, since someone else owns him in all my leagues. Or Pollard who actually got more receiving yards that Cooper did. He’s a good pickup in 10-team leagues where he’s available, not just as a decent flex but a high-value handcuff for Zeke Elliott who did have a better week 2… but still not good for those that drafted him early thinking he’d have a bounce back season because I’m dumb.

Meanwhile, Dak as an actual football player played fine. His lone interception looked like Lamb ran the wrong route so that’s not on him. But as my QB1, getting 6 points isn’t going to cut it. And he’s not running out there at all, clearly not trusting his leg yet. With a stout Eagles defense coming up, I don’t know if we can trust Dak to put up much better numbers, especially since even if Cooper plays he’ll probably be limited. When Trevor “Interceptions As Long As His Hair” Lawrence puts up more fantasy points than you? Something is really wrong.

James Conner: RBJames3 (of all the James)

james conner week 2
source: nfl.com

Three RBs named James that were fantasy relevant suited up on Sunday: James White who is 5’10”, James Robinson who is 5’9″, and James Conner who is 6’1″. I like size in my RBs. The phrase “man meat” gets a bad rap because of the internet, but that’s what I look for when I draft my fantasy team and also on the internet.

But the biggest James was the smallest James in week two. James Conner put up 2.6 points against the Vikings in a game where both sides were basically scoring at will. Yes, the game script called for heavy passing. Yes, Arizona’s run game is by committee, if by “committee” you mean Kyler Murry. Sure Chase Edmonds was in the mix as well, but he was nearly as irrelevant because it’s the Kyler Murry show all day every day.

Conner has been worse each year, having gone from an average of 20 fantasy points per game in 2018 to 12 points per game in 2020. This year is even lower than that, and I don’t see it getting better.

You might be saying, it’s my own fault for playing him. Well in this deep league, my other RB2 is Nyheim Hines so shut the hell up. Hines actually scored 0.10 points more, which is the saddest thing I’ve seen all week.

Mark Ingram: FAAB-Waster1

mark ingram week 2
source: new york post

When Raheem Mostert went down in week 1, I needed an RB in one of my leagues. I knew I needed a ringer. A hidden gem. So I did a ton of research into the matter, reading as much of Reddit as I could while on the toilet (where everyone reads Reddit), and scouring other intelligent fantasy football sources like O Magazine and Yahoo! Sports. After much deliberation and drinking, I landed on who I expected to get me enough points to be a contender: Mark Ingram.

You know why I did! New QB with a not-great arm in Tyrod Taylor? Check. Fairly pedestrian David Johnson relegated to RB2? Check. Improved O-line? Check. Good week 1 performance? Check. So I spent 30% of my FAAB on him and then I clapped my hands and then I finished drinking my nightly handle of whisky that I need to stop shaking and fall asleep.

What a terrible, horrible decision made by John B. 05-year-old, aged 5 years. Ingram rushed 14 times for 41 yards. To put that in context, that’s not good for professional football. I mean, Saquon Barkley scored twice as many fantasy points, against WFT’s D, with one working knee, behind a worse O-line than Houston (I think?). The Texans have Carolina and Buffalo next so Ingram is basically useless at this point.

Have fun on the bench, buddy. You’re up… *checks notes* JaMycal Hasty?? UGH.

George Kittle & Tyler Higbee: TEhhhhh

kittle and higbee week 2
source: your nightmares

George Kittle and Tyler Higbee combined for 4 points in week 2, and that sucked, but mostly I wanted to make that composite image you see here. @rmongole was right about Kittle being a sell, even if it hurts me to admit. He’s a great IRL player, but amazing blocking counts for zero in fantasy, and even if it did count for points, Gronk would still be a better value. I love the Niners, I love Kittle, but I hate the points he’s putting up on fantasy. Why can’t he have the trifecta? Like Deebo Samuel? Outta the way, Kittle, Deebo’s my best friend now until he inevitably gets injured.

With a negative number of RBs to use, you’d think the Niners would check down to Kittle more. But Jimmy G needs extra time to throw loose spirals and that’s why Kittle will be more important as a blocker than a receiver. Maybe if Trey Lance gets more field time, Kittle will be more fantasy relevant. But right now, he has the makings of a high sell while the rest of your league is still enamored by his name alone.

Higbee I am hoping just had a bad game against the Colts. He played 100% of the snaps, but only got 1 target. The worrisome part is that the Rams have the Bucs, Cards, and Hawks next and I don’t love these matchups. I’m going to see how he does against the Bucs and decide if he’s worth rolling out for the always weird conference games.

Or, I’m going to roll out the one with the shiniest hair. That’s why I’ve been sticking with Aaron Rodgers this season, after all.

aaron rodgers shiny hair
source: Q98.5

Thanks for almost saving my week you intense hobo.

Good luck to you all. See you next loss.

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