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The Sky is Falling: How Week 1 Made Me Regret Life and Fantasy Football

week 1 of fantasy football was bad for my depression

A sudden and sad ongoing series of my already disastrous year of fantasy football.

I didn’t think it could get worse for me across all my leagues after that Thursday game, but if life has taught me anything, it’s that 1) my crypto investments will be my ultimate downfall, and 2) that things in fantasy can always get worse.

And it got a lot worse. Let’s take a look at some of my starters this week.

Brandon Aiyuk & Raheem Mostert: IR Bros

Brandon Aiyuk and Raheem Mostert, Fantasy Football
Aiyuk avoiding points; Mostert not avoiding injuries

Being a 49ers fan is already pretty painful, but it’s even more painful being fooled into drafting them in my leagues year after year. I knew Mostert was Mr. Glass, but I thought I’d get 8 games out of him. I don’t think I even got 8 snaps. What even is chipped cartilage? Leave it to Mostert to find some obscure injury because I guess when you’ve had all the other ones, you have to make up some House MD-level nonsense.

So now I need to figure out whether to spend most of my FAAB on Elijah Mitchell who looks good and will be expensive on the wire. But everyone seems to be forgetting that he is a 49ers running back and is due for his own weird injury like prolapsed femur marrow or something like that (@kallen04, please fact check this). Mark Ingram might be a better bet, especially since I can’t see Tyrod Taylor throwing 291 yards against many teams not named the Jaguars.

Aiyuk was the real heartbreak with his big fat goose egg, but I guess this was more Shanahan’s fault for suggesting he was a full go and keeping him in the game, but never using him once. Instead, Deebo Samuel got all his catches and went off on my bench, taunting me for assuming he wasn’t WR1 on the Niners. I’m excited to swap them out and then see Aiyuk go off next week because Shanahan subscribes to my fantasy newsletter and chooses who to feed accordingly.

The lesson here is to never trust the Niners backfield, or frontfield, or frontoffice. Nothing is safe with them on the fantasy front, and if they’re going to rotate QB all season, they’ll rotate everyone else. They are a bunch of dirty liars and I love them forever.

Najee Harris RB100% Snap Count

Najee Harris, Fantasy Football
source: steelerswire.usatoday.com

Who cares if he was in on 100% of the snaps? My dad was around 100% of the time too, but that just resulted in more expensive therapy sessions I have to attend today. “The best ability is availability.” Oh really? There’s a 24-hour Taco Bell on my street and its led to nothing but misery.

All off-season, Najee was hyped up and I took the bait and drafted him in a bunch of my leagues. I was excited to start him. And Sunday, he was supposed to save my team when Mostert went down and this human vaporware barely got 5 points. 2.8 yards per attempt? If you wanted that sort of performance out of your bell cow, you could have gotten Frank Gore for league minimum and coupons to a 24-hour Taco Bell.

He’s got the Raiders next, and they have a pretty soft run defense so he could see better numbers out of his usage. There probably aren’t many superior options on your league’s wire unless you’re 10 team, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be looking for breakout RBs by week 2.

James Robinson, RB<

James Robinson, Fantasy Football
source: nypost.com

RB<, as in less than, as in less than expected and less than Carlos Hyde for some reason. Maybe it was punishment for the fumble. Maybe the game script flipped in the second half because Trevor Lawrence loves throwing INTs. Maybe it’s just that I drafted Robinson at all. Whatever the reason, it was a disappointment not just in fantasy points, but how ineffective he looked out there. Robinson’s upside looks severely limited already, at least in the run game. He did get 6 targets in the air, but that’s going to be heavily dependent on Lawrence continuing to air it out, which I’m not sure Urban Meyer will allow after that performance.

I was forced to draft him in a deep league, and I might as well take a flyer on Tony Jones and pray that something bad (but not too bad) happens to Alvin Kamara. Jones got about as many points as Robinson and has a lot less competition. Robinson sees a surprisingly stout Broncos defense next week so it’s not going to get any better, and I bet he’ll probably fumble again if Lawrence doesn’t throw enough interceptions.

Aaron Rodgers, QB?

Aaron Rodgers, Fantasy Football
source: awesemo.com

This effin’ guy. I stacked him with Davante last season and he carried my league, but I should have known he’d be more checked out than a color anatomy book from a high school library. But I thought, doesn’t he want to go out on a high note? Doesn’t he want to pad his Green Bay records a bit more before he leaves to head up Jeopardy (AKA The Broncos)?

Apparently not. Sell sell sell. Too many good QBs putting up good numbers to start Rodgers again. I played Tonyan too, and that combination absolutely slaughtered me. I don’t have Davante this year, but my condolences to those of you who do. Rodgers is going to phone it in so goddamn hard. Don’t trust this greasy-haired senioritis-stricken game show host for the rest of the season.

That being said, I’ll probably play him next week. I mean, it’s the Lions.


I could cry more about Chase Claypool, George Kittle, Derrick Henry (I mean come on), and Austin Ekeler who all contributed to me losing across every single one of my leagues. But the Quaaludes are kicking in and it doesn’t hurt so bad no more. I’m going to recklessly spend some FAAB before I pass out and wake up Wednesday with somehow more Niners on my roster than before.

Good luck to you all. See you next loss.

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