When you think of sports collectables, what immediately comes to mind? That’s right, blockchain technology. Ain’t nothing more sporty than databases, algorithms, and maths which is what Moneyball was all about, I assume. I don’t know, I boycott all Brad Pitt movies since I’m team Jolie.
The hot new(ish) sports collectables today are the NFTs: Non-Fungible Tokens. Essentially, these are what enables digital things to be provably unique. Meaning, until now it’s been easy for anyone and everyone to download a GIF of LeBron James dunking to use in your work email signature, but if you sprinkle NFT sauce on it, now you know exactly which copy of that clip was the original; and more importantly, who owns the rights to it.
And someone does own the rights to that LeBron dunk. To the tune of over $200,000. For a video clip. Jesus wept.
But that’s the world we’re in today, and just because someone called me a “geriatric millennial” the other day on my morning mall walk, I’ve got something to prove. And that something is that I understand the blockchain, and the power of NFTs for the nü fandom. I also understand that football absolutely dwarfs all the other sports in terms of revenue and popularity, so if $200,000 is the value of an NFT of the NBA’s second best player, then that should serve as a good lower-bound for what NFL NFTs should be worth… for offseason stuff. The real stuff will be astronomical.
And to double-prove I’m young, I’ll put the value of each of these 8 off-season NFL NFTs you should invest in, in the valuation we all understand: Dogecoin. None of these NFTs exist yet, of course, but if you know how to NFT-ize something, please contact me. I have hours and hours of middle school musical theater VHS tapes I’d like to monetize.
1. Drunk Brady / Lombardi Toss Brady
Who knew “Florida Man” was contagious? After absolutely clowning the rest of the NFL by winning his thirtieth Superbowl, Tom Brady finally let loose and had one too many avotinis. As someone who lived in Boston for too long, it was fantastic seeing the Prodigal Son let loose a little. The deal-with-it shades, the backwards hat, the shit eating grin; this clip was simultaneously too much in a good way for Patriots/Buccaneers fans, and too much in a godawful way for everyone else.
Then there’s the Lombardi toss.
Even months later, that toss seems surreal. Knowing Brady, he was privately renting out the harbor in the dead of night to practice that throw, just knowing it would be the perfect middle finger to the rest of the league.
These clips should be forever immortalized as NFTs. And knowing that Brady is launching an NFT company, they most likely will be. I’ll get the auction started:
Value: 924,084 Dogecoin (for Brady fans), 981,839 Dogecoin (to keep Brady fans from owning it)
2. Cam NOT Beating the Piss Out of a Child
Why would you disrespect a man who is hosting the video camp you are attending? Why would you disrespect a man who is worth north of $75 million by telling him that he’s about to be poor? Finally, why would you disrespect a man who is 6’5″ and 245lbs?
There are no real answers to why this kid did that, but the video clip exists to always remind him both how foolish he was, and how gracious Cam was to use his words instead of his weighted-by-twin-watches backhand.
Cam has his work cut out for him in the upcoming season, both with Brian Hoyer and of course Mac Jones waiting to take his snaps. Odds are, he might be a little more productive now with more reps and less COVID, but his fantasy value is pretty low in any league type. Still, this video clip should be made into an NFT because nothing will age as well as Cam asking that kid “where’s your dad?”
Value: 519,797 Dogecoin
3. Aaron Rodgers’ Jeopardy! Disgust
By the time this article posts, Rodgers might already be a Bronco. But that shouldn’t tarnish his legacy as much as his hairstyle hosting Jeopardy! Apart from that used-car-salesman-do’ (and the pinky ring…) he did an admirable job hosting the gameshow, probably ruining a few more television nights for his estranged family that can’t escape his handsome mug and hates insurance, I’d assume.
What seals this moment as an NFT is not his affable hosting skills, nor that he raised $246,725 for the North Valley Community Foundation, but that perfect moment of silence when all three contestants whiffed on the inevitable Green Bay Packers answer: “In the 1960s these midwesterners earned 5 NFL Championship trophies.”
They knew he was hosting that day! They knew the category! Someone should have been tossing up “What is the Packers?” for that entire column just in case. Rodgers’ tight-lipped grimace was perfect, and his “oh you know that one, huh?” after the next correct question sealed it for me as an NFT moment to own.
Also, please don’t leave the Packers. Stacking you with DaVante basically saved my entire fantasy season.
Value: 730,026 Dogecoin (if he’s still a Packer), 51,369 Dogecoin (if a Bronco)
4. Mayfield’s UFO Tweet
Baker Mayfield is a savant. Arguably on the field, sometimes, maybe, if you squint. But definitely in terms of extraterrestrial life. If you haven’t heard, UFOs are so hot right now, with declassified footage all over the place and now Congress getting involved. Even President Obama basically admitted that aliens exist and are about to destroy us all:
“What is true, and I’m actually being serious here, is that there are, there’s footage and records of objects in the skies, that we don’t know exactly what they are. We can’t explain how they moved, their trajectory. They did not have an easily explainable pattern. And so, you know, I think that people still take seriously trying to investigate and figure out what that is.”–Obama, via CNN
Mayfield was way ahead of all of this, exposing the reality that we are not alone and that ET is judging you for how many unlimited pasta refills you had that night. Sure, his fantasy value may be lackluster since the Browns didn’t shore up better weapons and they’ll likely run the ball more this season. But this isn’t fantasy; it’s sci-fi. And Trek beats Wars any day of the week. Aliens exist and this tweet from Baker Mayfield is first contact. NASA should buy this NFT ASAP.
Value: 1,506,982 Dogecoin
5. Brees/Smith/Rivers/Edelman Retirement Announcements
It’s hard to dislike the gentlemen who made up the four big retirements during this off season, and their stories in the NFL run the gamut from underdog to champion to comebacks to popping out just way too many children. Nothing too funny here, just decades of good football from all of them. Retirement announcement NFTs will probably become a real thing, so let’s get ahead of that curve.
Value: 963,125 Dogecoin (each), 4,620,420 Dogecoin (for the set)
6. DK Finishing Dead Last in His Olympic Trial Heat
All last season we were inundated with how much of a freaky beast DK Metcalf was. He’s so big. He’s so athletic. He’s so fast. Yeah? Well he stunk up the second half of the season in one of my fantasy leagues so it was a little cathartic to see him sprint his heart out in the 100m Olympic trials and come in dead last in his heat.
Goes to show you “fast” is a relative term. Yeah Metcalf can run down a safety on the field and get the oohs and ahhs, but on the track he’s a scrub and I’m almost positive I’m faster in my Honda Fit if I have five minutes to warm up the engine because it doesn’t always start up on the first try since my battery is from 2012.
Let’s memorialize this moment of failure for DK, who is worth more than every sprinter who beat him that day, combined. A hundred times over. I also traded him for Antonio so what do I know.
Value: 462,039 Shiba Inu Coin
7. Jaylen Waddle Ignoring His Family on Draft Day
The 2021 Draft had plenty of NFT-able moments to choose from, so I’ll limit myself to two. The first has to be Jaylen Waddle of Alabama completely ignoring his cheering family when he was drafted by the Dolphins.
I don’t care if later he said he had already celebrated with his family because that’s a lie and makes no sense. You can clearly see in the clip that he walks out the moment it’s announced. That’s cold blooded, but also exactly what I would do to my family if I just hit the lottery. Bye. No don’t hug me. We’re strangers now.
Waddle’s a talented player and will make the Dolphins a formidable team, even without any Fitzmagic, but his best contribution to football may have already been made with this eventual NFT. Here’s hoping that this move will be his end zone celebration, scoring and then immediately abandoning his cheering teammates.
Value: 420,069 Dogecoin
8. Trevor “Cryptocurrency” Lawrence
Forget being the face of the NFL. QB Jesus is the face of sports crypto. Not only did he already partner with Blockfolio, a company that blah blah crypto don’t worry about it, but he also put his signing bonus into various cryptocurrencies. His bonus was rumored to be around $22 million, so at the time of this writing, his crypto portfolio is worth either 100 times that, or nothing. Depends on whatever Elon Musk tweeted a minute ago, apparently.
I fully expect, much like LeBron, everything Lawrence does will be stamped into an NFT immediately. Touchdown? NFT. Incomplete? NFT. Benched for CJ Beathard? You bet your ass, NFT.
Lawrence will probably be pretty average this season. He’s on a pretty crappy team, after all. If anything, I’m more excited about their running game. But as long as he isn’t completely awful, I fully expect him (alongside Tom Brady) to pave the way for more NFL players, coaches, and especially cheerleaders to make a killing slinging NFTs to dummies like me.
Value: 999,999,999,999 Dogecoin
Robert Woo – Writer
Ride or Dynasty